This has been the worst Christmas for me in a very long time. Christmas has already been a holiday I didn’t care for especially after my marriage ended years ago and the events of why it ended haunted me for a long time. I have been working hard to put that pain behind me and was trying to make new memories with my fiancée but since she moved out, has been dealing with her own problems and we don’t talk I can’t even check on her to see how she is doing. I texted her but I am pretty sure I am blocked as I think I am blocked on most everything or muted. Which I understand, I was unsupportive for years as I was battling my demons and ignored what she was going through, I was explosive in mood swings and put her hell and on that night not only did I talk about killing myself I told her I would kill her. So yeah why talk to me, and why would anyone want to be with someone that a mental illness like me. This is the part they tell you in therapy or the hospital how much the healing hurts, how much acceptance hurts and how much all that guilt and regret weights on you.
You start to work on letting go of stuff and I have. I have made some big leaps on a lot of my past trauma and still have work on more. But not having the woman that means the most to you, who was your best friend because you went insane over the course of a few years because your brain was sick and you could not fix it without meds and you only have yourself to blame for not getting the help and getting the meds, that is guilt that is painful like no other. And when you are making huge life changes and feel lost and really all you want is to lay your head in her lap and cry, it’s a pain you can’t describe. Or waking up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and you pickup your phone wishing you have got a text that says I love you or I miss you. But you hold on to what little hope you have because its all you have anymore.
Maybe one day I will get some type of answers and until then I will keep learning about my disease so I can fight it better, keep working on my relationship with my son and keep working on my issues. And I will have to write more on here and some will be about her in the hopes that maybe she will take a few mins to read it and see that I care and I am sorry for what I became due to something I didn’t have control over that made me make a lot of bad decisions and treat her poorly which she never deserved. But until then I will have my imaginary conversations with her and keep apologizing to her memory that lives in heart until I can it in person if I ever get the chance.