I am not going to lie or sugar coat shit. My brain has been breaking in a way I did not know. I put my fiancee thru true hell in a way she should never have had to go thru and I didn’t know how to really stop myself because my brain lied to me in ways I didn’t realize at the time. I tried to self medicate with alcohol until that was an extreme problem and then did tried whatever else I could legally and some that wasn’t. For 2 years at least I had hate in my eyes for the world because I hated myself. I WANTED TO DIE, I will be 100% truthful and tell you most days I still feel the same way and will tell you that I still think this world would be better off without me. I have a few friends and my son that disagree but I am pretty my fiancee(not even sure I can actually call her that but I will for this post since she still hasn’t changed it on FB or stabbed me with the ring lol. And for the most part the friends that say that don’t see me very often or even talk to me daily and that doesn’t mean their opinion is less valid but honestly I could have 100 people call me daily, stop by, whatever, to me none of that matters because it is really the one woman who’s opinion means the most to me. The one I let down, ignored and failed because I was fucking weak and didn’t get the help I needed to try and fight my issues with mental health. Instead I thought I could do on my own like I had for the past 30 years, WRONG!!!!!!! because those years FUCKING wore down that mind that was already weak, that was already naturally broken that was not my fault. Add on the fact I had a bastard for a father that beat, abused me and almost killed me for over a decade, throw in being molested multiple times by two different people and a rape on top of a your fucked up life all before you turn 18 and you have had a mixed in cocktail of various antidepressants that all did nothing or made you suicidal and the doctor didn’t listen you try to solve your own problems.
And that is part of where I fucked up. I was honestly scared out of my damn mind of being locked up for good. I was afraid once they got me they wouldn’t let out because they would realize I was crazy, I mean I do talk to myself a lot and shit like that but it was a serious fear of mine. I was also afraid of not having support. But at the end I can say the Mental hospital is the scariest fucking place I have ever been in my life. Not having my fiancee to talk to because I scared her because not only did I talk about killing myself but apparently I said I was going to kill her too. So she left, I don’t blame her. Like Halsey named her poetry book, I would leave me to. I don’t want to be Bipolar. It sucks, I don’t who I will be when I get up in the morning, it’s like will be Tigger or Eyeore today or someone else. Will I want to hurt myself or will I be okay. And there is not magic pill, there is no magic fucking prayer for all you damn bible beaters either so you can go fuck right off because I am really fucking tired of that shit because really? Look at life and fucking tell me why I should give fuck about the god the that bible. I will believe in a higher or else I wouldn’t be here but otherwise you want me to believe in the god in that book I am going to point out how much of cruel bastard he is. But I digress and didn’t mean to get on soapbox about religion at all.
In a sense you can say this part of an apology to my Fiancee for the pain I put her thru over the past several years because she took it the most. She had to suffer my daily delusions, my mood swings, accusations and everything in between. She got the good days when they were there but I can promise you she suffered the bad more than anyone else and I cannot take away that pain. All I can do is hope if she ever gives me a chance again to listen in therapy to all of it and to make sure it never happens again by taking my meds and maintaining my own therapy. And if she doesn’t then I have the hope that she finds someone that never remotely has the mental issues I have because I never want her to go through something like that again.
Next post will be an apology to my son if I can keep my sanity that long. It is very hard to keep it without my best friend and partner even when I know I hadn’t treated her that way for a while. And I know she may not even see or read this but it’s like when you write a letter to someone that isn’t here anyone, it is a release.